Heartbreak

I walked you to the front door, quickly dabbing away my wet eyes for the brief time you were walking ahead of me. I didn’t want you to see my hurt. My pain. Your strength over me. I didn’t want you to see my weakness. We say our awkward goodbye and you leave. I breathe. In, out. In, out. I’m okay. Walk to your bedroom, Julianne. You’re going to be fine. This is going to be alright. As soon as I walk through the door frame of my bedroom, I feel it. The sharp pain of grief stabs my stomach. I curl over, dropping to my knees. A sob escapes my mouth unrecognizable even to myself. What has taken over me? I can’t breath. Numbness. I can’t feel my body. All I can do is stay hunched over in the fetal position on my bedroom floor. I want to talk to someone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t know what I feel. Disaster. Finality. Heartbreak. My heart is breaking. I can’t understand the noise that is coming out of my mouth. I hear this deep, low, long sob. Over and over. I’m shaking. Uncontrollable shaking. It’s over. My fairytale is over. This dream is over. I’ve fallen from cloud nine and I have hit rock bottom. I don’t know what’s next for me. I don’t want to know what’s next. I’ve only ever wanted him. I only want him. I’ll only ever want him. Get off the ground, Julianne. You are the worthless piece of shit you always thought you were. You aren’t good enough. Get in the fucking bed, Julianne. Sometimes the only escape is sleep. These foreign sobs will lull you to bed. Just go to fucking sleep.

This is what it felt like. To lose the one I felt so privileged to have. To lose my perfect. To lose, what I believed at the time, my only chance at happiness. In that moment. In that month. I felt the dark pressure of depression surrounding me everywhere I went. I was terrified to be alone. I hated myself when I was alone. I hated myself when I was with people. But one month turned to two months. Two months turned to three. Dead ends became silver linings. I began to see the reasons, and resolutions. I got to know myself again. I learned things I never could have had he stayed. And you will too. For anyone who is going through the dark path of a recent break up, the darkness will lead to a place that’s full of growth and healing. It hurts, but it’s worth it. You are worth it. You are good enough.